When All Else Succeeds
by Noxaura Cille
Summary: And I... I will become the God of this New World! (and here is where you realize you were wrong, perhaps?) *eating disorder(s), obsessive behavior, God complex, delusions, downward spiral*
1. God: Perfection

_"And I... I will become the God of this New World!"_

 _~Death Note, episode one: "Rebirth_ "

At first it is a morbid joke that you entertain in grotesque curiosity.

But then, suddenly, your little distasteful joke becomes not-so little and morphs into quite the divinely damning disaster.

Isn't that right?

Your moral purity was tainted the moment you decided you were above your peers and teachers and instead opted to look out the window.

If only, yeah?

Oh dear. You seem to have adopted a goal with the Notebook: purification of the tarnished world coupled with ascension to Godhood, am I correct?

Oh, but what kind of God would you make? You're far too human... Far too imperfect... Far too corrupt for such a thing.

Don't misconstrue me, now!

...too late, then?

"A Perfect World ruled by a perfect God," you repeat as you ponder the pen in your hand, completing a stroke of beautiful calligraphic destruction. "Perfect God..."

No being is perfect, you know. No plant, animal, human, or divine.

Perfection is a myth, a story read to children at night.

Don't go chasing fairytales, Raito Yagami. You will only be met with your own abject disappointment and subsequent destruction.

But who am I to tell a God what to do?

No, I should just keep my mouth shut and simply observe your inevitable glorious, desperate downfall.

So that is exactly what I will do. Unlike Ryuk, I know how to behave around one such as yourself.

So I do believe that I shall leave you to your convoluted rhetorical scheme.

For now.


	2. God: Kira

_"He's going to sentence_ me _to death? Sounds interesting."_

 _~Death Note, episode two: "Confrontation"_

I did say—or imply, at least—that I would return, you know.

Denial is such a beautiful caveat, is it not?

You are foolish and you will fall to that foolishness.

But that is not my place to say.

Kira, huh? Killer... How fitting.

You are clever, you know. But your cleverness will be the end of you. Haven't you ever heard the term "too smart for one's own good"? It describes you perfectly.

You are arrogant and naïve.

Oh, what's this? So you are willing to risk sacrificing your family, your home, just to protect a poison stack of paper hidden by a surreal cover? How delightfully depressing.

But! I digress.

Denial is your vice, and you are oblivious to it. You deny your own denial, even as you close your eyes and ears and mind and vomit everything you ate over and over again.

It's not healthy, but you aren't exactly right in the head, are you?

Oho, now this is interesting. A predator taunting a fellow predator. Or are you both mice? Who is whom and what is what in this cat and mouse, catch-me-I-dare-you game?

It doesn't matter, does it? L is L and Kira is Kira and Raito Yagami is stuck in the middle.

Your warped psyche is interesting, sometimes. Twisted and screwed, yes, but... Interesting. Captivating, maybe.

Do forgive me, _Kira_ , for daring to be interested in a _God_.

What a laugh. Your quest is pointless, can't you see? The utopia you strive for is impossible! Utopia is utopia _because_ it is unattainable! You will die and, if you do not produce an heir, your reign will, as well. Even _if_ you produce an heir... There is no way of assuring Kira's continued rule once you are gone from this plain.

But you are human and humans always have desired to sit with the Gods.

In whatever way they could, they would always desire more than they were allotted in life.

 _How art thou fallen from heaven, O Lucifer, son of the morning! How art thou cut down to the ground, which didst weaken the nations!_

 _For thou hast said in thine heart, I will ascend into heaven, I will exalt my throne above the stars of God: I will sit upon the mount of the congregation, in the sides of the north:_

 _I will ascend above the height of the clouds; I will be like the most High._

Isn't that right, little Kira?


	3. God: Masks

_"Gotcha."_

 _~Death Note, episode four: "Persuit"_

This is... despicable, I must say. Even by human standards. Human experimentation is a crime, you are aware? (Using the pawns to tease the King is a move I haven't seen in a game in a while. Bravo.)

At this rate, you'll have to kill yourself. Oh, this is hilarious.

You're a hypocrite, _Kira- **kun**_. A hypocrite in denial.

Speaking of denial...

How's that purging mission going? No, not the "purging the criminals" one! Don't be daft. I mean the "purging food from your stomach" one. Yeah, thought I didn't know, did you? I'm no idiot, Raito Yagami. Do not think of me as such.

You're playing your family and your body like out-of-tune fiddles and only one are you turning your back on. Which one is it? Which are you betraying to keep up this macabre deceit of yourself?

Tch. This still isn't healthy. There's a reason this sort of thing is looked down upon by humans. Perfection is utopia. It is perfection because it is unattainable. Utopia is perfection. It is utopia because it is unattainable.

Humans have always strived for unattainable concepts.

Because, at the end of the day, no matter how Shinigami-like you are, you are human. And humans all have a breaking point.

I wonder. Are you, Raito Yagami, choking on guilt while Kira stands over your suffocating form and cackles in uninhibited glee, far too above you to bother kicking you where it counts and putting you out of your misery? Or are you clinging to the last vestiges of your sanity desperately with the Notebook while Kira grabs your ankles and pulls you down, down, _down_ into that bottomless pit of black–cracked glass and shattered mental security?

Do you fight or do you surrender? Are you Raito or are you Kira?

I can't much tell anymore. Kira is consuming you, Raito Yagami. Raito Yagami is vanishing, Kira.

You are being eaten as you vomit what you yourself have eaten after everyone has gone to sleep for the evening, oblivious to the gradual suicide taking place down the hall.

You and Kira are blurring, phasing, becoming one and you are terrified but Kira is grinning a blood–grin and he is a shark in the water where you have cut yourself. Kira dominates you and you relish in it but cower beneath him and this situation is oh-so _fucked_ , isn't it? Beautifully, wondrously, gloriously fucked and it is delightful, how you scream in fear but moan for more and Kira obliges and now...

Well, who's to say Kira isn't genuine when he laughs with reckless abandon in glee whilst playing a game of soccer with his peers? Who is to say Raito Yagami isn't genuine when he cackles in delight as his plans come together? Who's to say Raito Yagami, serial killer, master manipulator, is ingenuine when he smiles indulgently at his mother or when he mutters a disbelieving "yeah right" at his sister's retreating back? Who's to say that Kira, honor student, adored by men and women alike, loving brother, pride–bringing son, future police chief, isn't genuine when he flushes in exertion as pen touches paper or sleeps peacefully with a God of Death staring at him?

Nobody.

Humans have always desired the ability to fly. You are not unique in this wish. But the flight you desire is impossible… for now.

Your lifespan isn't as long as you would expect. Nine years and it's game over Kira.

Though I suspect you'll be shortening that sometime, someway.

I will give you this advice: this L is not the enemy. The enemy is closer than you think.

Popular? Certainly.

Ryuk is correct, you know. You are clever.

But that isn't always a good thing.

Oh. A date with a girl? How... Mundane.

And I can see it in your eyes, Raito Yagami. You are displeased with her company. Secretly, I can't help but wonder who you would prefer...?

These thoughts of mine, they, too, are mundane.

But this is interesting. Poor useless little girl. She'll be scarred for life.

But that isn't my business. Human affairs beyond your own of no interest to me.

I wonder how this affects your dreams?

Kira sleeps soundlessly but you toss and turn and sweat. What do you dream about, Raito Yagami? What plagues the aspiring God's nightmares?

Perhaps...

No. Why would a God fear himself?

Maybe it is the name, Yagami, he fears.

Oho, now we're getting somewhere. You flinch.

Soichiro Yagami...

Do you fear his disappointment?

Ah, see! That's the root of the problem. You will never be a God because of your attachments to the humans. The devine are above such petty connections.

But Kira... Kira could be a God. Kira has nothing but you.

You have nothing but Kira, in the end, but you wish you had more.

And that is where you fail, little Kira. When you desire what you cannot have. That is the surest way to see the flames of hellfire licking your skin... Or, in your case, the endless torment of apathy and detachment of a grey, lifeless world.

Gods don't die, but you will.


	4. God: Careful

_"The_ real _battle is only just beginning..."_

 _~Death Note, episode five: "Tactics"_

How gruesome. Oh, do step lightly, for one wouldn't want such distasteful ichor to stain their expensive accoutrements. Especially those lovely leather footwear you humans seem so fond of.

You have killed a man, you are aware? Sure, many a pissant has met their death at your pen, but that certainly wasn't your direct doing. You weren't there and the Notebook was the middleman. This is close and personal... and you planned every detail of it, right down to the car strike.

Now who's the murderer?

Oh, but you will vehemently deny it being murder, I'm sure. And so long as you have the Notebook...

Well.

It really isn't murder, is it?

The same can be said about your eating habits, or lack thereof.

You will steadfastly deny it being a slow suicide. In fact, that's all you have been doing.

And as long as you don't directly fatally harm yourself...

Well.

It really isn't suicide, is it?

You're… amusing, I think. And I sort of admire your cunning. But I can't condone your ironic asininity or your innocent naïveté, not when you strive for such a hopelessly corrupt goal.

You look so… pure, perhaps? Standing there, behind that man. Maybe not quite. But you could certainly pull it off.

Oh, the fear in his eyes is delightful. And really, he was set to die the moment he decided to surveil you, wasn't he? Kira can have no opposition.

Will you kill yourself when this is done? For Raito Yagami, who is within you, who _is_ you, Kira, is your passive opposition. Or is that why you shove those killer's hands down your throat and gag yourself until your stomach and mind is empty? Is that Raito Yagami or Kira? Does it really matter?

Oh! How tragic. This man shall never see his family again. You know, he could be leaving behind a child.

And, Kira?

This man wasn't a criminal.

 _"And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?"_

But, hey, Gods don't need to justify their actions, right? For they are above such petty words.

Oh, but Lucifer was cast because he longed for that which he could not have. He was no God.

Will you be the morning star, Kira? The light that turned when his wills became dim?

 _"Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beamisin thine own eye?"_

You stand over this man, who was pure in heart and soul, and smile down upon him in victorious glee as he falls.

"Farewell, Raye Penber."

Farewell indeed.


End file.
